“Mum passed away”
Three words that split my life into a before and an after.
I heard them on a hot midsummer night, 23 January 2025, standing outside De Querusa Tango Hall in Buenos Aires with traffic roaring past me. I could barely hear my brother on the phone, but the meaning cut through everything. In that moment, a chasm opened, creating the biggest fracture in the story of my life.
I was 21 days into a planned four-month stay in Buenos Aires. This was my second trip, a continuation of the dream that had begun the year before. My mother had her health challenges with diabetes and weak kidneys. Her mobility had decreased after being hospitalised seven times in two years. I knew there was a risk of losing her, but I didn’t believe it would actually happen or happen so soon. In fact, I was more cautious on my first trip and planned to only go for 2 months. But this time I felt confident, even optimistic, that she was stable enough for me to be away for 4 months.
The first weeks were beautiful. I stayed in the same flat as last year, I was far more fluent in Spanish, and slipped back into Buenos Aires life with ease. Last year it took over a month to find Noelia as my teacher and Vicky as my regular practice partner. This time everything was set up already. I was so comfortable and resumed everything like if I had never left Buenos Aires.
Each evening before practice, just like last year, I would call my mother on WhatsApp video. She stayed with my sister, her carer. I’d be in the Buenos Aires sunshine; she’d be in London’s bitter winter. That contrast always made me feel a little guilty. But she was happy though, genuinely happy that I was doing what I loved. Those conversations were full of warmth, even tenderness, and always threaded with my worry about her health. She’d had close calls before. In February 2024 she was in hospital for over a week, and I remember crying alone in my room there feeling helpless. I was overjoyed to see her when I returned to London in April 2024.
I often talked to Vicky about my mother at practice, on how she was doing. And three days before she died, the tone of our practice chatter changed. My mother had picked up an infection. Infections were dangerous for her; antibiotics weakened her kidneys further irreversibly, but they were necessary to save her life. When my sister told me Mum wasn’t improving, I began to worry more seriously.
The day before she passed, my mother somehow gathered the strength to go to the GP to get antibiotics. It was the last time she would ever leave the flat alive. Her next exit would be her body, carried out by undertakers.
On the evening she died, I called as usual. But instead of sitting at the dining table with my sister, she was sitting on her bed. She was not lying down so she wasn’t seriously ill I thought. I asked why she couldn’t sit at the dining table, and my sister said she wasn’t well enough.
I reassured mum: she had antibiotics now, she just needed to rest, eat, drink water. She’d recovered from infections before. I said goodbye in a rush as I was late for my practice with Vicky but something in me felt a deeper sense of unease. I tried to push it away. Little did I know at the time that I had said my final ever goodbye to my mother. I still feel the tears coming when I write this.
I practiced with Vicky, told her I was worried about my mother, and then headed straight to Noelia’s milonga at De Querusa. I had booked a table for five, and others were joining me so I didn’t want to be late.
Inside the milonga, I let myself switch off from worry for a while. I danced. I ate the famous tortilla at De Querusa. For a brief window, I wasn’t thinking about anything serious at all.
Then, at around 10:30pm, I saw my brother calling me. My stomach dropped. My brother lives away from my mother, so why was he calling me instead of my sister?
My sister was the one who would call if things were bad. She had done exactly that the year before, when I’d advised her to take Mother to the hospital, something that may have saved her life then. But this time my brother was calling. And he called my Buenos Aires number, a number only my friends in Buenos Aires had and my family kept it for emergencies. So clearly this was an emergency. But exactly what?
I rushed outside to call him back. His voice was quiet and shaken:
“Mum passed away.”
She had a fatal heart attack. I let out a short, strangled scream on the pavement, not loud, but enough to release something. I wanted to cry there and then but there were so many people around me, I coudn’t. I held it together and talked about the logisitics of what had happened with my brother and sister. And what would happen next, the investigations from the coroner and then the understakers due to take my mother’s cold body away in the coming hours.
I felt so terribly guilty. For not being there, for being in Argentina and enjoying myself while my mother had passed away in the bitter London cold. Guilt I still cannot fully name.
My brother told me to stay at the milonga for now; nothing could be done from across the world and he felt I was better off in the company of people rather than to go home and cry on my own for hours. So I went back in.
Irina asked what was wrong when I returned to the table. I told her it was a family issue. I even danced a tanda with her right after as she wanted to dance.
The next ninety minutes were surreal. My mind couldn’t absorb the reality yet. Acceptance was impossible. How could my mother have crossed that threshold while I was dancing here? What did it even mean to die? I had just spoken with her a while ago. This could not be happening.
Noelia, bright and warm as always, asked me to film a small video for her talking about her milonga as I had done before. I tried, but the recording didn’t work this week. It had worked every week but this time my energy was off. I was off.
People began leaving. The milonga quietened. I danced some tandas but I was moving through them like a man dancing on borrowed breath, the steps happened but I wasn’t inside them. It was a dead man dancing.
Then Pugliese came on.
And then Noelia came to dance with me.
The song was Adiós corazón, a song I must have heard hundreds of times, but in that moment the soft, sorrowful violins cut straight through the numbness. Noelia closed her eyes, as she always does when dancing with me in that soft, deep connection. And without knowing it, she gave me the embrace I needed most. My mother’s death had not yet become real until I told another human being. Until then, it felt like it hadn’t fully happened. Although I had not yet told her that in words, I told her through my embrace and through that dance, to the quiet farewell of Adiós corazón.
By the end of the night the hall was almost empty. Irina insisted on a group photo which I tried to avoid. Somehow I managed to smile and pose with her fan in my hand. A photo of a man whose mother had died an hour earlier. You’d never know from the image.
I wanted to tell Noelia, but she was busy speaking to people as one of the organisers. When things finally quietened down, I asked if I could walk with her to her car. I needed to talk. She thought something bad had happened to me in the milonga.
And then I told her. I immediately started crying. She held my hand and gave me a long, deep hug with a still, steady presence. It was my first real release. It also made my mother’s death real as the death only existed in my head until that point. I had now told someone about it.
In that moment, she shifted from teacher to something far rarer, a human presence that could absorb my grief without flinching.
I explained to her what had happened back in London. My brother and sister were waiting for the coroner to send the undertakers in after evidence and photos were taken. My siblings weren’t allowed to see her body yet which I found extremely bizzare and we all felt under scrutiny by the system, which is awful but it is standard procedure for a death at home. My siblings had gone to my brother’s flat in South Woodford and were no longer at the death scene. I felt desperately far away.
Noelia drove me to my flat but sensed I wasn’t ready to be alone. She walked with me through the warm Buenos Aires night and we sat at a bar near my apartment, each with a gin and tonic. She saw the future more clearly than I could in that moment. She said we should celebrate my mother’s life and mine and try to say goodbye from a place of warmth rather than despair. She said my mother had given birth to a wonderful son and that her life was something to be celebrated.
We talked outside my apartment stairs for nearly two hours. I had known Noelia for a year, but I had never spoken with her at that depth. Grief reveals people and her presence revealed the depth of her real character and empathy.
She told me to call her anytime, even in the middle of the night.
I went upstairs but didn’t sleep at all. I had calls to make to London, to India and had to speak to my brother and sister again.
That night the second umbilical cord to my mother was severed. Almost five decades of motherhood ended there and then.
At a milonga in Buenos Aires.
